What is a boss fight? Edit
- Boss fight is a way to unlock new features in the game and to increase your NUMBER.
- Boss fights use ATK and DEF acquired in training. HP while fighting is 10*ATK, and HP regen is DEF/20.
- For the "All bosses" table: FTBE = First Time Beaten Ever
- You can instantly skip bosses with the nuke button, if you are strong enough to kill it (around 1000x the stats of a boss).
- The values in "Stats" are: Attack, Defense, and Max HP, respectively.
Boss fights that unlock thingsEdit
|4||Training Zone & Adventure|
|17||Forest Zone & Augmentation|
|30||Broken Time Machine|
|37||Cave Zone & Blood Magic|
|58||High Security Base Zone, Gordon Ramsay Bolton, Challenges|
|66||Clock Zone & Grand Corrupted Tree|
|82||Ancient Battlefield Zone & Jake from Accounting|
|90||Very Strange Place|
|100||Mega Lands Zone & UUG, The Unmentionable|
|108||The Beardverse Zone|
|116||Badly Drawn World Zone & Walderp|
|124||Boring Ass Earth Zone|
|137||Chocolate World Zone|
|A Small Piece Of Fluff||0|
|You shakily get to your feet, leaning against the wall for support. You have to build up your strength, somehow. From the corner of your eye you spot a small piece of fluff. This will be your first and most intense battle of your life.|
|You're sure that if the fluff could, it would give a dramatic death speech, but alas. You kick it off to the side, more confident in your strength. What other inanimate objects are there to murder? A piece of sewage, as if by cue, begins floating down the water, right in front of you.|
|The sewage retreats from your onslaught of attacks. Either that or it kept floating by.... Probably your attacks though. You feel like you can manage to make your way out of here now, but a weapon would be handy. Oh hey, is that a stick coming down the water?|
|A Small Mouse||1 (3 at FTBE)||Tip the Mouse|
|As you turn to head to this 'room's exit, you notice a brown little mouse. In a shrill voice it squeaks, WELCOME to NGU Idle! I'm Tippy.. If you're alr-' tuning out this annoying mouse's intro, you're hit with a jolt of memory... a need to defeat EVERY foe in your path, no matter what. You can start with this mouse right here.|
|A Slightly Bigger Mouse||0 (3 at FTBE)|
|Wiping the mouse guts from between your fingers, you head off down the sewers to make your escape. Barely rounding the 2nd corner, you face your next major foe. A (slightly) bigger mouse. You know what to do.|
|A Large Rat||0 (3 at FTBE)|
|You start feeling lost in the identical looking passageways, dripping with all sorts of goopy brown waste. You're worrying that you'll never escape these sewers, and that every boss you face is just gonna be some variation of a rat. Cutting off your nose is starting to seem like a good idea, too. The stink...|
|Brown Slime||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|Finally, you begin to feel a cool breeze from one path, and heading down it, you see a light at the end. Just before the exit, a large, menacing brown blob seeps out of the nearby walls, ready to fight... Well, it's as menacing as a blob of poo can get.|
|Skeleton||1 (3 at FTBE)||Skull Trumpet|
|You've finally escaped, gasping, your first breaths of fresh air in who knows how long. You shield your eyes for a moment from the bright sun. Once your eyes adapt to the light, you see a gorgeous green field stretched out before you, leading up to a forest. You can feel the gloom seeping into every branch. As you approach the path leading into the forest, a spooky skeleton emerges from the ground, armed with a.. is that a trumpet? You try not to get distracted by its jazzy tunes while you smash it to dust.|
|Goblin||1 (3 at FTBE)||Droop the Goblin|
|'Seek out the wizard, further on...' you hear sighing from the pulverized bone dust, now swept away by the wind. You venture past, thankful for the advice, though unsure where to go, other than deeper into this rather sinister looking forest. Before long, you sense something above you, and dart out of way just before a tiny pockmarked figure falls onto the ground where you were. 'Uh oh, Droop's in trouble!' the goblin shrieks in a gross, nasally voice.|
|Orc||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|Your brief fight with the goblin seems to have attracted all the generic fantasy beings of this forest upon you now! This one is just as slimy-looking as the goblin, but a lot bigger.|
|Slow Zombie||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|Pushing your way through, you encounter a small clearing in the forest. You try to dash through, but barely make it halfway before rotting corpses begin clawing their way out of the earth. One weak, shuffling zombie inches towards you. Might as well have some fun. right?|
|Fast Zombie||1 (3 at FTBE)||Headcrab Zombie|
|As the zombie's undead head rolls to a stop by a tree, you see another kind of zombie. A different looking one. Skinless, slim, and running on all fours, at full speed towards you. It seems to have some crab-like thing attached where its head should be. You decide it's time to stop playing around and get out of here.|
|Ent||1 (3 at FTBE)||Ent (Legendarium)|
|You haul ass and make it past the clearing, managing to shake off most of those fast charging type zombies. After putting some more distance between you and them, you take a breather against a tree... until it starts moving under you. God dammit.|
|Giant||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|Entering this forest is feeling more and more like a bad idea. Even the air is starting to 'taste' sort of odd. You strain to keep an eye on the forest path, with the haze thickening around you. You managed to keep on the path, but somehow also managed to bump right into a giant in front of you. Enjoy the fight.|
|Rat of Unusual Size||1 (3 at FTBE)||R.O.U.S.|
|Oh god, the rats again. This is an unusually large one though! It looks kind of familiar, but also really pissed off, if you believed that rats could look angry.|
|Fairy||1 (3 at FTBE)||Navi|
|You spot a little village off in the distance, with wisps of blue and green smoke puffing from a prominent (yet ramshackle) hut. You suspect that it's the home of that wizard, or a stoner's decided to take up residence in a haunted forest. Hoping for option A, you head toward the hut, but a blueish glow to your right distracts you 'HEY, LISTE-' You've heard enough. It has to die.|
|Gorgon||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|The fairy falls limp and you step over its annoying little corpse. Luckily you didn't pause, because a deafening 'BOOOOOMll' rocks your ears, and the shockwave makes you stumble. looking back, you see a 6 foot wide crater where the fairy's remains once were. Turning around to view the fairy's carnage, then, turns out to be a second stroke of fortune, because you hear the unmistakable hissing of a Gorgon in front of you. The element of surprise lost, you prepare to battle this serpentine beast, while avoiding its paralyzing gaze.|
|Gorgonzola||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|Exhausted, bruised, and slightly deaf from the explosion, you hobble into this mysterious hut. And, indeed, this seems to be the home of this 'wizard', whoever he is. You see the stereotypical bubbling cauldron, various gross magical ingredients, and oddly enough, dozens of empty cans of compressed air laying around on the floor. However, the bug-eyed wizard has caught your attention, as he whoops maniacally, greeting you like an old friend. With your memory loss, you just take him at his word that you knew each other. He claims he can help you if you'd head through what he calls the 'hazy cave' just behind his home and gather 'some of that good stuff', whatever that is. Feeling unusually merciful, you agree to help, and set off into the cave 'Be prepared for anything in that cave, feller! The weird gasses in there make ya go a little loopy! And if you need a little something-something to get stronger, see Mr. Jensen just a couple houses down, he'll hook you up with some of what he calls 'augmentations'. It's weird sci-fi mumbo-jumbo, but I can't deny that it works!‘
You're put off a little by his strange warning, and overall demeanor, but decide to press on anyways. Your first breath heading inside, you immediately *know*just what the wizard meant. The air feels... light, very light. You can feel your brain doing somersaults and backflips... and that's when you see it. Another gorgon! You get locked into it's gaze, but then, it starts shifting, no it isn't a gorgon... it's a piece of gorgonzola! A line of drool from your mouth threatens to hit the cave floor, thinking about a nice panini made from this cheese, before you briefly shake it off. That's when you notice the flaming mace it's wielding. Uh oh.
|Brie||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|Yes, you're fighting sentient cheeses now. Yes, it's probably the gas. No, you should not let this cheese or anything else in this cave live. this one is armed with a massive crossbow. how is it even able to fire the damn thing?|
|Gouda||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|This cheese is named after a city in Netherlands. Knowing that, this is gonna be a tough fight.|
|Blue Cheese||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|Did you know that this stuff has MOLD in it? Gross.|
|Parmesan||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|You're seriously debating taking this cheese's future corpse with you to grate over some pasta.|
|Limburger Cheese||1 (3 at FTBE)|
|OH DEAR GOD KILL IT KILL IT NOW! You double over in nausea, managing to throw up only a little bit inside your mouth. You feel you've been conned by that damnable wizard, but you're too far to back out now.|
|Wait, this isn't a cheese...but you wish it was. This rat is JACKED. This is the kind of rat that eats other, smaller rats. You're not sure why it's here, in what was clearly meant to be a cheese-themed set of bosses. I mean, I guess rats eats cheese? Whatever. You've got a boss to kill.|
|You hit part of the cave that descends, down, down, down... down some more... and down further still. the air feels even weirder down here, you know this wont bode well for these... 'things' you keep encountering. Oh hey look, a robot that looks straight out of 1950's comics. Totally normal.|
|A Fluffy Chair||1|
|So comfortable to sit on, though the design is so tacky. you've seen like 30, 40 million of these things.|
|Otherwise known as a sofa, chesterfield, lounge, love seat, daybed, divan, and oh my god it's wielding a chainsaw. That's metal AF.|
|Floppy Mattress||1||The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|
|Fresh from the swamps of Sqornshellous Zeta, this one's name is Zem. It's so cute, you almost kind of don't want to destroy it. But no, you really do.|
|It'll try to suck you in and freeze you to death. It's got fridge magnets with the letter 'M' 'U' 'R' 'D' ''E 'R' on it. Ooh, and a flyer for a buy-one-get-one-free Pizza deal!|
|This robot is... not so clunky as the other one. it does on about some Connor kid, you don't really know or care. Smash it to bits.|
|A Wide-Screen T.V.||1||Undertale|
|As the bits of advanced killing machine spark and jerk disturbingly on the floor, you spot a curious little device. it looks to be a bit damaged, but you grip it in the palm of your hand and push in on the middle, you hear a click, and a feeling like you have butterflies in your stomach. in front of you, you see... a miniature you, fighting a creature from the forest. You see yourself kill it, and loot gold from its corpse. Then, the vision blurs like you're rewinding a VHS tape. You see the scene play out in front of your again, and again, and again... and each the time mini-you loots the corpse, your feel your actual pockets, here and now, lining with more gold. it takes some fiddling. but you realize you can use this device to make a pocket in time on any occasion you loot a foe, and replay it as fast as you can to repeatedly loot its body, and somehow this carries into the present... but you feel your energy being drained as you do so. Still, this will be incredibly useful to you, You grin as you stroll on, thinking of the sick home-entertainment system you could buy with this money... when you remember the kind of cave you're in. Sure enough, a raving maniacal flat-screen T.V bears down on you, razor sharp teeth promising a very bad time. At this point you've gotten everything but he kitchen sink, and you don't really care.|
|The Kitchen Sink||1|
|Of course this would be next. If this is what your brain decides to hallucinate, it's a moron.|
|A Giant Mole||1||Earthbound|
|You're so relieved to see something that isn't an appliance coming to life that you practically welcome this mole bursting in through a cave wall. he solemnly greets you. 'I know of the task set upon you, it is a noble one. But, we cannot let any traveler just come through without a trail of proving. Yes... You shall have to defeat me and my brothers, five there are in total. I will not be the easiest, nor the hardest, Third strongest am I. Prepare yourself!|
|A Second Giant Mole||2||Earthbound|
|As you throw down the first mole, his brother take his place 'he was hardly a challenge, but I, I am stronger. Only 2 of my brothers have bested me!|
|A Third Giant Mole||2||Earthbound|
|As you throw down the second mole, another brother takes his place. 'Those 2 are weak. Now you will truly know pain, for I am the third strongest!|
|A Fourth Giant Mole||2||Earthbound|
|As you throw down the third mole, yet another brother takes his place. 'You think you can take us all? We'll see, for I'm the middle strength mole among my brothers!|
|A Fith Giant Mole||2||Earthbound|
|As you throw down the fourth mole, his brother takes his place. This one wearing some funky shades and a Polo, complete with a popped collar. 'Yeah, nah, my bro's are chumps, I'm the best of them all, you'll see." The other moles start rumbling 'Chad, you're such a jerk! We agreed we'd all say we're third best!'|
|Kid On A Cloud||2||Dragon Ball|
|The battered and bruised moles let you through, grumbling 'You're such a dick, Chad...‘ and you finally see your goal, a thick, blue gas pooling at the very bottom of this cave. You hold up the little metal cannister the wizard gave you, and with a 'WHOOMPH', most of the gas seems to get sucked into it. As you make your way back to the wizard's hut, you fiddle with the time machine, watching yourself kill the Gorgon over and over and looting all that cash. Ah, memories... Maybe you'll buy that village when you're done
Before long, you claw your way back to the surface, finally able to have a moment of clarity inside your head. The wizard claps his hands and cackles with glee when he sees you've come back. 'Perfect, PERFECT, I was almost out of the stuff' Astonished, you see him turn over the cannister into his cauldron and give it a tap, some of the blue gas oozing into the mixture. He stirs one, twice, three times clockwise, and once counterclockwise, and motions for you to come over 'Now I can't solve your memory problems, but I think I know who maybe can. But first, here, take a sip. I don't know what happened to your magic powers but this should at least kickstart them!‘ It tastes like a mixture of Buckley's cough syrup, rum, and lawn clippings, but you get it down. It hardly settles into your stomach before you can feel a sensation... a magical one. Yet, it doesn't feel all that foreign to you. 'There ya go, fella, you should be able to do a few of your fancy magical tricks! I'm sure it'll come back with time. Now about the person to help ya... last oI darby heard, they were heading off to that cross-dimensional party. You know that one, flies through space and time, never stops... and free booze! You should still catch it if you hurry! Ought to be flying up in the sky still!‘
You head out the door and look up, before remembering... you can't fly! The wizard chuckles as you jump in the air uselessly ‘You've got MAGIC now, remember? Sheesh, kids these days always getting their memories in a jumble and...-' The wizards grumbles incoherently as he heads back inside. Feeling a bit ashamed, you focus really hard, start running jump.. and trip. But you don't hit the ground, instead you manage to get yourself into the air and take off! Hell yeah! Now that you're up in the air it feels second nature, swooping, doing loops. and slam head first into a yellow blur. You recover in time to see a weird kid with a tail zooming by looking as smug as can be. Time to teach him a lesson.
|You toss the kid off his weird cloud and take it for yourself. As much fun as it is flying on your own, this cloud goes super fast and looks cool! And now you can focus more on where to find this interdimensional party or whatever it was. But that buzzing you hear is distracting you, and growing louder. A massive 747 SCREECHES by you, The jet engines blasting out your eardrums. You push your cloud to its limit to catch up to the plane and take it out of the sky.|
|Oriental Dragon||2||Dragon Ball|
|Watching the busted plane fall out of the sky brings a smile to your face, but your victory is cut short. You notice the skies darken, lightning crackling and some rocks below lifting up into the air. Suddenly a massive, green dragon bust into view before you! In one of his hands is that annoying little kid from before. 'That's the guy! For my wish, I want you to kick his ass!’ Oh crud.|
|'The dragon howls in agony and appears to dissolve into nothing, the little kid clearly shocked and upset. You rush by him, eager to make up for lost time. You make some pretty decent progress on your cloud, but after a while you notice it starting to blink, slowly, then faster and faster... this can't be good. Just then a squat little creature riding a similar cloud pulls up beside you. His has a smiley face though, and is more white than yellow. 'Ha, look who can't afford a REAL cloud, |oser!‘ He shouts. 'It doesn't even last forever!'|
|Excitable Ninja Samurai||2|
|'You're not quite sure how this samurai is flying in the air, but you think his random jerky movements have a hand in it. He's twitching constantly, muttering phrases like ' need faster energy‘ and 'coffecoffeecovfefecoffeecoffee' Just put him out of his misery.|
|Icarus Proudbottom||2||Icarus Proudbottom & The Curse of the Chocolate Fountain|
|More and more, you're feeling like learning to fly was not in any way special at all. Here comes another person soaring through the air, propelled by... oh...OH GOD NO! Dz!|
|Gigantic Flock Of Seagulls||3|
|Icarus careens out of control and slams in the countryside, leaving you to dodge the last of his 'boom - booms'. You breathe a sigh of relief from having avoided a fecal catastrophe, when you realize you've run smack—dab in the middle of a flock of 5,663 seagulls. You're gonna have to fight your way out.|
|Gigantic Flock of Canada Geese||3|
|After that last battle all I can say is, you've been defiled. You had to take a dive into the water out of desperation to get clean. SO. MUCH. BIRD POOP. As you soar back up to the skies, the wind drying your hair. You hear an eerie silence, like you‘re in the eye of a hurricane. That's when you realize... you've flown into a flock of Canadian Geese: the most vicious, murderous, avian menaces to curse the skies. God have mercy on your soul.|
|A Weird Two-Headed Guy||3||The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|
|The skies begin to darken by the time you recover from your last run-in, and you see a
magnificent sunset off over the water. However, what really catches your attention is the faint multicolour lights off in the distance... that might be the interdimensional party! However, as you're about to take off, something very improbable happens - a spaceship winks into existence right on your toes! You yank your foot out from beneath and hop around, cursing, when you see a
figure emerge from the ship, with two heads. One seem crazy, the other... crazier. 'Hey there fella, which way to the party?‘ You‘ve already got an answer prepared.
|A Bird Person||3||Rick and Morty|
|You beat up the two-headed guy and leave him with his stupid ship, heading off to those coloured lights. As you get closer you hear muffled party music - an encouraging sign! You zoom forward, but a screech from above startles you, and you see a half-man, half bird swoop down and fly beside you. 'Greetings. Are you also headed to the interdimensional Party? If so I will give you a friendly warning: you will need your invitation on hand when you get to the door. Just like mine is
here.‘ He pulls out a large foil card from a side pouch. 'You cannot hope to enter without one of these.‘ Well then.
|You take the time to loot the invitation card from the Bird Person, as well as his feathers, to sort of look like the picture on the card. Kind of a dick move, but you gotta get in to this party! When you finally get close, you see that the 'party' is a gigantic floating chunk of rock with a building on it, hurtling through the air. Some fancy gadgetry below seems to allow the party to fly through the skies and space, and presumably travel through dimensions. You fly around the party until you
spot the entrance, a small section of jutting out rock complete with valet parking! There's also a carpet rolled out with a line already formed to get in. You disembark from your cloud and hand it off to some greasy-looking valet, and get in line. You see what looks like 300 lbs of hamburger meat stuffed into a suit before realizing that it must be the bouncer. 15 minutes passes as you tap your foot impatiently, with all manner of people, creatures, and gross squid monsters being
checked in. Finally, it's your turn, and you hand the invitation over. The bouncer scans the card, then you, and with an expressionless face says 'denied, DNA samples don't match' How were you
supposed to know the card has DNA TESTING of all things? Well, time to get in the old fashioned way.
|HooLooVoo||3||The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|
|Finally, you're in! The music is deafening, and you see a huge variety of beings here. You head over to the open bar and get a shot of some rum; it's been a LONG day and you need a quick moment to relax. You strike up a chat with a man beside you in a grey suit, talking about some sort of playhouse he runs. You tell about the time you beat up a kid and stole his cloud. He seems not so impressed.
The guy to your other side, though seems to have overheard your tale and chuckles. 'Oh man, that's freakin' hilarious. So, I hear you‘re looking for me? Can't say I'm looking for you, not since that party over on Betel-*burrrp*-geuse III when you stole my Kalaxian crystals, snorted the set, and then decided to make the planet's core- *beeelllch*- explode.‘ When you give him a blank stare he looks a little confused, before saying 'Oh riight, they got a hold of you didn't *beeelch* they?‘ Surprised they didn'tjust end you there and then, they've been trying for how many years to get you?‘ Well, looks like they royally screwed up since you're cIe-*burrrp*-arly back to your old ways. Did they think memory erasing would change that? Idiots. Tell you what, you help me on a little mission after this party, and I'll call it even, maybe help you with your memory pro-*beeelch*—blem.'
You spend the rest of your time partying it up with this spiky-haired guy, doing shots of
Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters, teaming up with him to defeat Bob Ross and Mr Rogers in 4 dimensional beer pong, and performing triple backflip dives into an indoor pool. You pay for it all come the next morning, but it was worth it. The spiky-haired guy finds you getting a big glass of water 'Killer party but we really gotta go -*burrrp*- now if you still wanna come.‘ You say a quick farewell to those you met and head off. The spiky-haired guy pulls out some weird device and shoots a green portal into a random wall. 'And awayyyyy we go!'. You step through with him and immediately have to shut your eyes from the intense BLUENESS of this world. You keep squinting and blinking as your eyes try to adjust. 'Just give me a hot minute to scan this planet.‘ You see a very blue blob float over to you two, and as it gets closer you feel a sense of overwhelming anger exuding off of it. Your friend doesn't seem to notice, or care that he's about to be attacked. Crap.
|Gross green Alien||3||Boogerman|
|‘Nope, nothing here. NEXT!‘ Your friend shoots another green blob onto the ground and hops in. You follow suit. This world, or universe, or whatever, is really swampy and green. The air smells absolutely disgusting. Like infinite farts in a soiled diaper. You walk with the man scans around 'No dice, NEXT!‘ As your turn to go, you see the swamp bubble and a gigantic, caped creature emerges 'WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS INTRUSION! I WILL DESTROY YOU!‘|
|The Rat God||3|
|You fight off the weird alien long enough to retreat into the portal. This time you're in a fantastic world, the completely opposite of the last one. The sky is clear, the perfect temperature, and you see a group of gorgeous women approach you both 'Welcome travelers. Please stay and enjoy
our co-' ‘ Ah crap, wrong setting, gotta go!‘ You protest as the man drags you into yet another portal.
This time you're back in what looks to be the sewers, though much bigger. A hulking BEAST of a rat emerges from a grate at the other end. Lasers shoot out of its eyes whenever it looks, And it appears to have cruise missiles mounted onto its back. This is not a rat to screw with.
|Massive Plant Monster||3||Terraria|
|You throw down the Rat, to thunderous applause from around the ring. You didn't notice before but you had thousands upon thousands of rats watching your fight. 'Not here either. Let's go!‘ The spiky haired man yanks you through yet another portal... and you immediately fall into a cradle of vines with him.'Crap i placed us about 80 feet above where we were meant to go.’ Suddenly, the vines curl and from the trees emerges a giant plant bulb, opening up to reveal 30 rows of razor sharp teeth. You're very much regretting coming along with this man.|
|High Security Insect Guard 1||3||Rick and Morty|
|You manage to hold off the plant beast long enough for your companion to take out a fancy grenade, pull the pin, and toss it into the monster's mouth. After a moment, napalm spouts of its maw, and it falls to the ground. The vines slink away and drop you gently on to the ground. Your companion casually tosses another portal out, as if you hadn't just nearly been eaten by a giant plant. 'Still not right. Moving on!‘
This time, you plop down in the middle of an atrium to some sort of organization. Alarms are immediately going off, and a pair of armed insect—creatures aim at you. 'Freeze, Bagscum! Wait I messed up my line can we repeat that?’ Your companion instead chooses to run, and their guns follow him. This is your chance!
|High Security Insect Guard 2||4||Rick and Morty|
|The one guard folds immediately to your attacks, and you turn to take out the other.|
|The other guard falls and you rush to catch up to your companion. You follow him down this hall and that, this time it feels with a purpose. You enter a large room with a bunch of funky lab equipment, and in a vat, you're not quite sure what. Your companion pulls out a laser gun and shoot the vat, releasing the creature. It immediately wakes up, and wreaks havoc on all the insect scientists and guards, ripping them in half in his bear hands. No, it really looks like actual bear hands. Looking for more victims, it turns to you two. 'Uh oh.' you hear your companion say.|
|A Whole Lotta Guards||4|
|'Haha, yeah, totally didn't think the crazy vat experiment guy would be on my side after freeing him, nope...‘ He pushes through the carnage, with you tagging along yet again. You two make to a
very secure section of the base, a vault or something. Your companion immediately sets to work on the door ' You know what to do, man.‘
|You've taken a good number of the guards out, but the remaining ones look to be huddling together... that's when you realize they're actually merging their bodies into one superbeing. Disgusting.|
|Spiky Haired Guy||4||Rick and Morty|
|60 seconds of frenzied battle, and most of the guards lay killed, or else running away. 'GOTCHA‘ You hear your companion exclaim, and the WHIRR of a door opening. You follow him in where a small, nondescript item lays suspended in midair. He does some more fiddling on a panel by the object, and he eventually snatches the item. 'Alright, I'm all set, see ya around!‘ You are NOT letting this guy get away after all this crap, not til you get what was owed.|
|Your ex-companion slams against the wall, his lip split and bleeding. *cough cough* 'Alright alright, god dammit... I'll help you out. Jesus." He pulls out his portal gun again 'Right, we'll head to my
lab, and I'll set you on your way to where you want to be.‘ You follow him through the portal once more and you see.. a busted looking garage filled with a bunch of weird gadgets. 'Hang on, I'll whip you up one of these.’ He pulls out a few drawers and a phillips-head screwdriver, and within minutes hands you what looks to be a copy of his portal device!
'This baby can bend time and space and take you to any dimension, any world, whatever you want.‘ He hands you a small manual to go with it 'This should show you how to use it. You can come back - *buuurf*- here if you gotta crash but I've got two house rules. 1) Don't touch my beer
and 2) DON'T touch my beer. Got it?‘
You nod, and he seems satisfied. 'Tell you what-' He grabs the device from you for a second,
turning a knob 'You should give it a test run by shooting yourself to this universe, back when you first woke up. Kill that version of you, and take their place. When you meet me again Say this phrase -' *he whispers it into your ear* ' -and I'll know you've got the hang of this device. Don't
worry, that universe is legit, you can check it yourself. The only difference should be -*burrrp*- that orange is blue and blue is orange there. All universes you can hop to should be on the Central Finite Curve, so you'll be fine.‘
You retrace your adventure in this new universe, kick the spiky-haired man's ass, and whisper the codephrase into his ear before he can launch into that whole speech again ' l- oh. I see you've already been set up by another me. Makes my job easier. ' The man pulls out a syringe and
injects you with a random fluid. You fall to the ground, in the most intense pain of your life. Every muscle spasms out of control. ' Relax, this is just flushing every single neuron in your brain, basically hard-resetting your mind. It might bring back some memories. Might not. Who cares?‘
The pain eventually subsides and you feel your mind is a little clearer. You remember.... some sort of man. A man who controlled the multiverse, all realities, and things that were and are and will be. He assembled you and several others on a mission. You still can't remember who they were, or what task you had, but it didn't end in success, and you were hunted for it. You tell your spiky—haired companion what you recall now. 'Oh crap, you ran a mission for HIM? And it went
FUBAR? No wonder you‘re like this. Well, the man who runs the universe could be anywhere, anywhen, anywhat. Good thing you got that device now. Better get to it, I'm gonna go watch interdimensional T.V'
The old man walks away, leaving you puzzled. Guess It's time to go world hopping on your own. You spin the dial randomly, fire the portal off, and step inside. When you emerge, you see clocks,
calendar, sundials, hourglasses, all in a swarm around you. A dimension where time kicked space's ass to take a physical form. You see a menacing-Iooking Monday approach. It whooshes by, and before you know it, your portal gun has been swept away into a storm of clocks. You always hated Mondays.
|You're still feeling the effects of Monday, and stagger towards the storm, but Tuesday emerges! This weekday slog is so much worse when they're trying to kill you!|
|Halfway to the twister of clocks, you can see the portal device getting banged up. You're worried it's going to break.|
|Thursday. 500 rows of razor sharp teeth, and breathes fire and acid. Sounds about right.|
|Getting down on Friday has a new horrifying meaning in this dimension. You HAVE to reach your portal device. For a instant the storm clears enough to see through, and you see a giant bunny in the distance jumping around trying to catch an alarm clock.|
|The moment Saturday appears, you feel a million eons worth of hangovers and bad hookup choices. Euurrrghhhghggh.|
|Normally the holiest of days. Sure as hell isn't in this dimension. You're so close to your portal device, why do these arbitrary constructs of time have to get in the way?|
|GOTCHA! You grasp the slightly dinged-up portal device from the eye of the storm, and all at one,
it seems to melt away. The days of the week crawling back into some weird oozing pools of time-goop. You're just about ready to leave when you feel a subtle rumbling. Before long, the vibrations get intense and a massive, 500 mile wide ice cream Sundae appears over the crest of some hourglass-sand mountains! It roars in fury, probably because it's a sentient ice cream sundae stuck in a dimension it's completely unrelated to. You'd be upset too, admit it.
|A Flat Mouse||5|
|The Sundae opens its jaws to swallow you whole, right as you jam your finger on the portal button. A portal opens up at the back of its gaping maw and lava gushes out, flash-melting the foul beast.
You let out a sigh of relief, and get the hell out of this place. You spin the dial, shoot at the ground, and ZWOOP back to Spiky Haired Guy's place. He walks in as you drag your battered and bruised
body through the portal, covered in sticky vanilla ice cream-ish goo. Without looking at you, or even acknowledging your existence, he grabs a beer from his mini-fridge and heads back inside.
Cursing inwardly, you take a few minutes to collect yourself and head off to another dimension. *ZWOOP* You're taken to a place that feels very 2-dimensional. Probably because this universe
has exactly 2 dimensions. The mere concept of your extra dimensionality is causing some fantastic tearing fabric of space-time in this reality. You see a very flat city in the distace, complete
with a glorious, (and also flat) castle. You head off to the palace, to see if you can get some solid intel on where to find the man who runs the universe. It's not long until your intrusion on this reality
is noted. A flat little mouse scurries up to you. ' WELCOME TO FLATLAND! I'm... wait, what is YOU!! I REMEMBER ALL NOW. DIE!!!!!!!!!!' This two-dimensional mouse goes absolutely berserk, and you have no idea why. Time to find out how to destroy a 2 dimensional being.
|A Tiny Triangle||5||Diep.io(?)|
|Turns on stomping works pretty well! Moving on, you see what you guess are simple little creatures along in this angular forest path. A 'cute' little triangular critter descends from a tree and opens its, for lack of a better word, mouth. Suddenly a thousand even tinier triangles flow from its mouth in a horrific swarm! OH GOD KILL IT!|
|A Square Bear||5|
|Not to be confused with a Carebear. This thing does not care for you at all.|
|In another fit of extreme confusion, the U.S Pentagon has ended up in this 2 dimensional universe. They've mistaken you for a North Korean missile and are preparing to fire back with everything they got. Uh oh.|
|A Super Hexagon||5||Super Hexagon|
|This isn't your ordinary hexagon. This one has a crisp and firm female voice. When it approaches you it says nothing but 'BEGIN’.|
|The First Stop Sign||5|
|You've made it out of the flat forest, and to the entrance of Flatland City. Two octagonal guards flank you at the gates, the letters S T O P written on them both. What's with guards always coming at you in pairs? Even in this weird universe.|
|The Other Stop Sign||5|
|Let's just get this over with.|
|King Circle (and 100,000 nameless other shapes)||6||Flatland|
|You stampede your way through the city, 'cause two dimensional walls don't exactly hold you back. You march on the palace and rip through the front doors, where you see the King/President/Prime Minister/God/Whoever. 'YOU!' he shrieks, 'THE DEMON RETURNS!, MEN, ASSEMBLE!' a flood of armed little shapes scurry about, forming a perimeter around you. The King Circle himself steps off his throne, revealing four arms, each holding a really impractical but badass looking weapon. 'WE HAVE PREPARED FOR YOUR RETURN FOR OVER 4 THOUSAND YEARS. TODAY YOU DIE!!!!!' You'd think they'd have better guards to their city than those two useless stop signs, if they had 4,000 years to prepare, but there's no time to dwell on that!|
|With a grunt of pain, the King Circle keels over, coughing up little dots of blood. 'If only... I had stationed three guards at the entrance...' He coughs again, his eyes fading along with the life they once had. With his final breath he whispers 'At least my secret dies... .with.. me...' And with that, King Circle is no more. Just before you stand back up, you notice a crumpled piece of paper underneath his armpit. Ewww... but you grab it all the same.
And you're back to spiky haired man's garage. He's fiddling with something on a counter as you portal in. 'You look better off this time, where'd you go?' You retell your adventures in the 2-Dimensional universe, King Circle, and show him the paper you recovered. It's at this point you realize it's completely blank. The spiky haired man hesitates to touch the armpit-paper but eventually takes it, and a little telescope-like thing ZWOOPs over his right eye. A laser swath shoots out, scanning over the paper, and to your surprise, coordinates appear. 'King Genius here thought stashing this paper under his friggin' armpit and written with invisible inkwould keep his *burrrp* secret safe for an eternity. Dumbass.' He hands you back the paper and goes back to his work on the counter, where you hear a million muffled screams. Weird.
You set your portal device to the location on the paper and
You step foot on a world that gives you a very weird feeling, like forces are at work in this dimension far beyond your reckoning. You swear you hear voices around you, little whisps of a infinite number of conversations. Long story short, this is real spooky man. You step forward when you see some incorporeal wisps of smoke in front of you. It thickens until you see the smoke form a dozens of various mice, some huge, some tiny, some cyborg mice, even a three-headed mouse breathing fire. All at once, they charge you, screaming various battle cries and wails of terror!
|Crasper, The Pissed off Ghost||6||Casper the Friendly Ghost|
|The last mousey spirit vanishes with a wail of pure, unadulterated rage as you continue on. You're used to this kind of welcome by now. After all, you've defeated what, 75 bosses? Yep, looks like this boss is labelled 76 so the math checks out. Where were we? Right, Spooky ancient world. As you follow the path forward, you notice things floating mysteriously around you. Suddenly, a stick gets pelted at your back which kind of hurts but not really. A few feet off the path, a ghost materializes and it looks PISSED. Time to kick some Ghost Ass.|
|Ghost Dad||6||Ghost Dad|
|The ghost flies away sobbing and shouting 'Just you wait, I'm gonna tell my Dad on you!' Turns out this ghost was just a cowardly bully after all. Before long he returns with a massive, burly ghost, with bulging eyes and muttering about pops. This can only be Ghost Dad.|
|Your own armor to be exact. An old armour set you'd been holding onto in your inventory begins floating up and aways, as if it's posessed. Probably because it is! It forms into a roughly human shape, and begins to attack.|
|Your equipment crumples to the ground, with the spirit possessing it seemingly banished. Before you can pick it up an ethereal 'u' floats by and disappears into the pile of armor, becoming ARMOUR. For once you feel seized by terror that can only be caused by British English.|
|The joke here is the name itself is ghostly. :effort:|
|The Pantheon Of Fallen Gods||6||Idling to Rule the Gods|
|Before long you spot a massive crumbling structure in the distance. With a sense of foreboding, you step inside. It's clear once you're inside that this was once a massive gladiator arena, with row upon row of stands circling the upper levels. As you look up at the stands, you notice them slowly veging to populate with a variety of shimmering figures. Most look human, but there's also a lot of these little penguin looking things. They all project an aura of immense power. Something suddenly clicks - these are ghostly GODS. They grab their ancient weapons and float down to the center of the arena where you stand. One thing is clear - they all want to see you dead.|
|You fall to a knee, exhausted. Even at just a small fraction of their original power, these beings have tested your strength and endurance to the absolute limit. You hear laughter from above 'You'reso much weaker than you were before. How could you be exhausted from fighting their lingering spirit, when you were the one to destroy them at their peak strength? But enough talk! You will NOT reach the man who runs the Universe' You're so confused by this story at this point; It's like the Hangover but instead of a tiger and a funny asian guy you have to deal with beings who want to kill you. T|
|The Entire Alphabet Up A Coconut Tree||6||Chicka Chicka Boom Boom|
|With your final blow the Mysterious Figure vanishes in a fart of smoke. Holding your nose, you approach where he was, and see a green glow on the ground. You go to touch it, and get pulled inside!
You reappear at a cottage by a lake. The sun is just about setting, casting some lovely shades of orange and red through the clouds. something about this place reawakens your memories. You realize who lives here.
'Hello, hellooo! You've come back, after all this time!' An old man comes up to you by the dock. 'Sit down, we have so much to catch up on, friend!' He lazily waves his hand to the side, and 2 comfy lounge chairs materialize. Surprising yourself, you sit down and accept the ice cold glass of lemonade that he puffs into existance.
'I've seen what happened to you, child. Terrible buisness, all of that. I know you're thinking 'The mission was a horrible failure!', but you forget that even the betrayal was expected. Everything in this existence has already heppened and will continue to happen, over and over. I imagine that you're more concerned with finding the traitor in your group, the one who stole the Artifact and and falsely made you an interdimensional pariah! I'mafraid no matter where you go, you'll continue to face the same resistance you've had up to now. However, there are still allies out there, if you know where to look.
'Another of your team has been hunting for any sign of the real traitor's whereabouts, since your fall. It's about time you seek him out.' As you finish your lemonade, the Man who Rules the Universe, with a grunt, stands up from his chair and motions for you to come to him. Now... it's time for you to leave'
Without any warning, and with unexpected strenght, the Man pushes you off the dock into the water! You sputter and swim back to the surface, but you're no longer at the cottage by the lake. In fact, you're no longer in water at all, but laying on hard ground. You examine the pocketwatch, but see nothing that could help you seek out this former companion of yours. However, you feel an urge to pick yourself up off the ground, and start heading off down the path. You're not sure where you're going, but something feels like you were meant to go this way. Before long you see a lone coconut tree swaying in the breeze. You stop for a moment to admire it when you see a swarm of letters descending from the coconuts! A whispers something to B, B whispers something to C, and the entire alphabet charges at you!
|The Lummox||7||Ren and Stimpy|
|As expected the Q is the last letter to be slain, putting up a ferocious fight amongst its fallen brethren. You look up at the tree and decide to claim your price: a juicy coconut! You shimmy up the tree and grab a hold of a sizable coconut when you hear it.
The biggest hulking behemoth of a man appears under the tree, wearing an XXL shirt three sizes too small and sporting an impressive array of body odours. His red, greasy hair gleams in the midday sun, as he grips the tree and begins shaking it violently. You fall out of the tree along with the rest of the coconuts, right into him! You realize now that this is the elusive LUMMOX, a highly endangered creature. As you get to your feet, you see the beats quiver in fury, sucking in air to launch an all-out burp attack!!!
|A Metal Slime||7||Dragon Quest|
|:o! KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL you won't notice this IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK KILL IT QUICK|
A Ginormous Sword
|With quick reflexes, you chase down and take out the Metal Slime before it can escape! As you bask in your glory, a shadow forms above you, and before you can react, you feel something slam into you with the force of 1000 suns! Your vision fades for a moment but you manage to resist blacking out. That's when you notice the ridiculously huge sword hover above you.... about to strike again!|
|7||Most Extreme Elimination Challenge|
|You crack the impractically large sword in half with a well aimed punch, which causes both ends to fall with an earth shattering thud. You fly over to the hilt, and see.... a tiny pixellated man wiggling?! You've had enough excitement around this tree so you decide to move on. Before long you see a dirt road, and a strange desire pulls you down it. Rain begins to fall and then pound away at the road; It doesn't take long before the road becomes a giant puddle, forcing you to hop from patch to patch still above the water. With one jump, you foot slips through the mud ans you faceplant in the mud! Eurgh!. As you pick yourself up, drenched in this waste, two voices pipe up 'Ooooh! Ken, looks he's taken a tumble into our mystery sludge... which today is the runoff from the local taco-bell bathrooms!' 'Yeah Vic, he's gonna be spitting up corn for the next two weeks!' You see two flamboyantly dressed men under an umbrella, pointing at you and laughing.|
|7||Most Extreme Elimination Challenge|
|There's something satisfying about putting down these two fools, but you're not sure why.|
An Ordinary Chicken
|With those idiots dispatched, the rain stops and you continue on your way. The dirt road eventually leads to a secluded bar on the outskirts of a futuristic city. It feels like this was your intended destination, though you're not sure why or how you know. You stare again at the pocketwatch the Man Who Rules the Universe gave you. It does nothing. It doesn't even have the right time!
As you head across the road to the bar, you spot a chicken on the other side about to do the same. You decide to kick its ass, for no particular reason.
|743 pissed off Cuckoos||7||The Legend of Zelda|
|You give the chicken a kick, and it bounces down the road with a piercing cry. Satisfied, you continue on, until you hear a soft humming in the distance.
Before long the loud noise is deafening, and you finally see why. Thousands of chickens are flying through the air, heading straight for you and screeching for blood! There's no time to take five more steps into the safety of the bar, you have to fight every last one of the murderous chickens!
Broken VCR Man
|You manage to take down the last of the chickens, and dash through the door to safety. You calmly walk up to a stool and sit down as if a chicken army didn't try to disembowel you, and you order a drink. You can take a long sip and relax...
And that's when you hear your name shouted across the bar. You look around and see some funky looking robot-guy with hipster length blonde hair. What a dork. The dorky robot runs to you and gives you a hearty slap on the back, crushing the stool you're sitting on and leaving you in a heap. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! Oh, sorry..." He exclaims, lifting you back out of the rubbish. What follows is some more boring exposition about the traitor which I'm sure you would have loved to hear, but I've been going non stop for 90 bosses so I'm going to skip through that part.
Anyways, the plot now says you'll team up with the blonde haired robo-dork to fight a series of evil robotic overlords who are hiding the location of their leader, who has been working with the traitor you seek. Got all that? Sweet. The first guy was hiding in an E-waste dump. He commands the power of obsolete recording technology. He is... BROKEN VCR MAN. FIGHT!
|Kitten in a Mech Woman||7||Overwatch (presumed)|
|Broken VCR Man explodes into little shreds of magnetic tape, leaving you and robo-dork to move on to the next robot overlord.
Hidden in the yarn jungles of planet X-34, some say she isn't a robot master at all, but actually a hyper-intelligent kitten piloting a mech.... but that's just ridiculous in this story of sentient cheeses and interdimensional aliens. FIGHT!
|Mr. Plow||7||The Simpsons|
|You smirk while watching the mech sputter and vibrate, with all guns powering down. Something catches the corner of your eye and you see a little kitten scamper away. That's when you realize the mech has powered up again, and is starting to glow white. OH SHIT!
You and robo-dork dive out of the way in the nick of time as the mech explodes in a glorious mini-supernova. You side-eye each other with one of those "Did-we-almost-just-die" looks, before beaming off to the next robot master. Teleporting into the tundras of Kilimanjaro (the planet, not the mountain) you make the trek up the mountain. As you reach the peak, you realized you could have just teleported here instead. Too late now!
A loud diesel-engine rumble alerts you that Mr. Plow Man is approaching. He lowers his 30-ton plow blade as he sings an upbeat yet horrifying tune. "Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is GO TO HELL!"
|ROBUTT||8||Space Station 13|
|You arrive on the methane supergiant known as AN0-05, diving deep into a hidden lab. Fighting a near-infinite horde of raving buttbots, you finally reach the buttdome, and confront ROBUTT: The only robot master made entirely of butt. Beware of his homing shart-attack. FIGHT!|
|Former Canadian PM Stephen Harper||8|
|Robo-dork teleports you both now to a similarly chilly planet as Mr. Plow, the brutally inhospitable C4N4-DA. You expect a fight but the Canadians on the planet politely direct you to their robot master with their well wishes and a "Sooree Eh?" You arrive at the PM's office, and find him sitting in his chair, as if expecting you. He rises, and GIANT HEAT RAYS COME SHOOTING OUT OF HIS EYES, AAAHHHHHH!!!! FIGHT!|
|A Cyberdemon||8||DOOM, Earthworm Jim (presumed)|
|From the chilly wastes of C4N4-DA to the sulphuric maelstrom of planet HECK, you and robo-dork track down the elusive Cyberdemon. It stands at 50 feet tall, and 14 tonnes of machine and muscle. And right now it's got a rocket buster pointed straight at you two! FIGHT!|
|Robo Rat 9000||8|
|Once again, you're ZWOOPed off to a gross, rat-turd infested swamp planet. You gleefully crush as many rats as you can, hearkening about to those days at the sewers, until you and robo-dork finally find your target. The Robo Rat 9000, made from triple thick adamantium alloy plates and the latest in rodent defense technology. Again, you notice this rat seems to be harboring an intense, soul-searing hatred to you and you alone. Oh well, FIGHT!|
|Butter-Passing Robot||8||Rick and Morty|
|With the Robot Rat laying in ruin at your feet, robo-dork decides it's time to suddenly know where the robot masters' leader is hiding, despite getting zero information from any robot master. And so, you head off to the big baddie's secret volcano lair.
You're just about ready to storm the entrance when you see a small robot with a pat of butter and a small knife in its hands. "Please, end my meaningless existence", it begs in a monotone. FIGHT!(?)
|ALL of The Robot Masters. Again.||8||Mega Man|
|Are you kidding me with this bullcrap?|
|Doctor Wahwee||8||Mega Man 8|
|At last, you've made it to the big bad himself. The mad doctor spits out some lispy villainous speech about his plans to dominate the universe with the traitor before moving towards some giant mech contraption. You graciously give him time to be safely hidden away in his mech instead of just ending the fight here and now.
...he's having some trouble using the step up to climb in. Poor guy.
Alright, he's safely in his giant death machine. FIGHT!
|A Bearded Lady||8|
|With his mech turned into a smoking heap of metal, Doctor Wahwee gets on his hands and knees begging for mercy. He claims he'll tell you all you wish to know about the traitor and their plans. You let your guard down for a moment, thinking you'll find some closure to this frankly ridiculous story, but Doctor Wahwee pulls out a remote control from his labocat and presses a button!
DAMMIT! You're not sure what the mad doctor did but there's no sign of him or the blonde robo-dork you were with. In fact, you're not even sure where you are right now. It seems to be some thick jungle, but no... you examine a nearby vine and discover it's made of beard hair! Dafuq? Now that the theme of the next 8 bosses or so has been set, a bearded lady comes out of the brush nearby. Her name is Tina and she has a long, pointed goatee. Gross.
|A Bearded Man||8|
|You grab a firm hold of the Bearded Lady's beard and rip it off. She screams, clutching her face and running for her life! That's when her husband, the Bearded Man appears. A MAN with a beard? Now you've seen everything.|
|Cousin Itt||8||The Addams Family|
|Since you're in a beard-ripping mood, you give the Bearded Man the same treatment, probably scarring them for life. By now you're ready to set off and explore this weird beard dimension, and hopefully find some clues as to what Doctor Wahwee pulled off. That's when you encounter a being so hairy, you're pretty sure it's just a koosh ball in a wig. COUSIN ITT has joined the fray!|
|A Naked Molerat||9||Kim Possible|
|You manage to light Cousin Itt on fire with some fancy magic, and you watching the flaming furball run through the bearded forest, setting it ablaze. Have you ever smelled burning hair before? If you have, then you know that this was the worst choice you've made in this adventure. You switch between coughing and gagging on the horrible smell, trying to find your way out of the beard forest. You see a small, naked critter also trying to escape. In a rare display of kindness you scoop up the creature and take it with you. You finally burst through the beard foliage into a lush beard meadow, extending far beyond your vision. The naked molerat in your hands seems scared, shivering. It looks up at you, squinting, before baring its teeth and BITING YOUR FACE OW OWW KILL IT KILL IT NOW WHAT THE HELL?|
|Rob Boss||9||The Joy of Painting|
|You fling the molerat to the ground and stomp on it a solid 7 or 8 times for good measure. What the hell was that for? You're not sure what your next steps are, so you decide to skip through the meadow. Before long you come across a man with a lovely Afro and beard, talking in a silky smooth voice to no one in particular. Something about "our happy little secret"? You feel really guilty for what's about to happen to this guy.|
|An Orange Toupée With Fists||9|
|You decide to take a break and finish the painting Rob started. It's not that great, but at least you tried. As you're about to place your initials in the bottom-left corner, you feel something wrap around your neck! You manage to break its grip, and hold it out in front of you. It's a sentient orange toupée, WTF?? Long orange-hair tentacles sprout of the toupée, ready to throttle you again!|
|You try to burn this wig too, which at first seems to work - the orange toupée writhes in pain on the ground. Suddenly the fire seems to be absorbed by the toupée, turning from cheeto orange to a deep scarlet. The toupéee swells in size, growing thick braided arms and towering over you. It has become GOSSAMER, and it is pissed.|
|A Clogged Shower Drain||9|
|Exhausted, you lay down on the meadow and take a quick breather, before seeking out some water. You venture past the meadow and find a small bearded enclosure, with a crystal clear pond! You're just about to cup your hand in the water and take a sip when you notice some thing at the bottom. You reach in and... urgh... pull up a massive clump of congealed hair and unknown fluids! In the middle of the clump you spot the same device Doctor Wahwee used on you! You could easily pull away the slimy gunk and use the remote, but instead decide to turn this into the final boss fight for this chapter.|
|Badly Drawn Dragon||9|
|This was easily the grossest battle you've been involved in. That being said, you turn Wahwee's device onto yourself and activate it without hesitation, figuring you'll be able to catch up to the mad doctor.
Instead you're bewildered to find yourself back at the Spiky Haired Guy's garage! You see him puttering around on something as usual. You step forward, intending to interrogate him on what happened to Doctor Wahwee when you realize you've got this green goop all over your boots! Yuck! 'Oh hey there *buuurp* champ, if you're looking for that Wahwee guy, you're stepping in him. Triggered my home-defense system. Idiot.' Looking down, you spot a strange object floading in the Wahwee-Goop. You pluck it out of the goop and wipe it off on your shirt. It looks like a pointless MacGuffin.
The Spiky Haired Guy's eyes widen in shock when he sees what you're holding. 'WOAHWOAHWOAHWOAH Holy CRAP, what are you doing touching that thing directly!!!' He frantically rummages around in a drawer until he finds a small glass case and a cloth. Before you can react he grabs the MacGuffin with the cloth and shoves it into the case, now suspended in midair. 'You owe me big-time pal, that thing was a few seconds away from destroying the very fabric of your being! Oh crap, if this is what that traitor is looking for, and he has other lackeys searching for these MacGuffins we're really screwed! He's gonna -'
Realizing he's talking to an idiot missing his memories, the Spiky Haired Man stops himself. I guess you don't remember the Legend of the 6 Infinity MacGuffins. Each one is said to control an aspect of the universe. And if you were to control all 6... shit would go down. Yup. All this' -He waves his finger around in a circle -'... poof! Gone.' He suddenly shoots out a portal from his gun and pushes you towards it. 'I already know who else must be hunting for another MacGuffin to give to that jerkass. He's an old nemesis of mine - you'll know who he is when you see him, trust me' He plants a foot on your ass and kicks you into the portal, without offering any more explanation on what to do. Great.
Luckily you land on a soft pile of crumpled up paper. Actually, looking around it looks like this universe is made of nothing BUT paper! Badly drawn creatures of all sorts can be found doing whatever badly drawn sentient beings do. Since you have no idea where to go you decide to close your eyes, spin around in a circle, and head off in a random direction. Unfortunately this has led you right to a giant badly drawn black dragon. Good start!
|Really Bad Sonic Fanart||9||Sonic the Hedgehog|
|The dragon has been slain! You step away from your foe and for the heck of it, perform some victory flexes. As you're about to move on the dragon's corpse lets out a small *poot* of badly drawn fire!
You run around wildly, patting out the flames threatening to destroy your pants. With that crisis resolved, you look around to make sure no one saw that embarrassing incident. That's when you spot a *really* badly drawn creature. One large blue blob for its body, connected to two tiny pink rectangles you think are feet. You could have drawn better when you were three years old. The creature croaks out in a pained voice, 'You're too slow!' And moves in to attack!
|Badly Drawn Schoolgirl||9||Baldi's Basics & Men in Black|
|The crudely drawn hedgehog runs away and inexplicably upwards into the sky. O-kayyyy then...
You continue on uninterrupted for some time, and you're able to take in the scenery around you. Which is unfortunate, since the scenery is all so damn ugly.
You make your way down a hill and see a badly CGI'd school in front of you. Something about it gives you the creeps, so you decide to just go around and keep searching for whatever it is you're looking for. Around the back of the school you get an unsettling feeling in your stomach. That's when you notice the really creepy children's music playing behind you. A badly drawn little girl approaches you asking to play, the music growing louder with every steps she takes. You see in her arms several books on advanced quantum physics. A little girl reading about quantum physics? Something's very wrong here, those books are way too advanced for her! You crouch into a fighting stance.
|No Boss (You Monster)||9|
|It turns out that was just a smart friendly schoolgirl who wanted to play, and you just beat her up. Look, she's running away crying. I hope you feel bad. I'm not even giving you a real boss here so you can think about what you've done.|
|Really Bad MLP Fanart||9||My Little Pony|
|Alright, you can go now.
Leaving the school behind you, you follow a badly drawn road until you see a small village. You're filled with that familiar sense of confidence that you're heading the right way. As the village is within reach, a giant rainbow collides with you! Ouch! You pick yourself up and stare into the face of evil itself - a mangled drawing of MLP.
|You take a moment to wipe your hands off in the nearby grass. Just fighting that thing was disgusting. You head down the main road, leading directly to a badly drawn mansion. By instinct, you head around back towards the cellar. In place of the cellar door you instead see a 4 panel comic blocking your path. Ugh.|
|Evil Spiky Haired Guy!||10|
|You sweep aside the comic, and enter the cellar. Badly drawn torches line the walls, yet as you head deeper the darkness threatens to engulf you. The stairs eventually lead down to a plain wooden door. After rolling an 18 to check for traps, you feel safe enough to go inside. At the far end of this dusty room you spot a small wooden chest! Cautiously, you crack open the lock and look inside. :O! It's the badly drawn Infinity MacGuffin! You snatch it and shove it into your pockets.
'Gread job, *burp* dumbass, now hand it over'. It's the Spiky Haired Man, betraying you again! Or - is it? He had a goatee and somehow looks even grumpier. In a stroke of brilliance, you clue in that this must be the Spiky Haired Guy's evil twin. Everyone has one of those, after all.
|Evil Badly Drawn Kitty!||10|
|You throw the evil(er) version of the Spiky Haired Man down, and he struggles to get back to his feet. His body gives out and he drops back to the ground, defeated. You raise your arms to deliver the final blow when - *ZWOOP* *ZWOOP* a portal briefly appears underneath him and he's whisked away somewhere else! Dammit! You turn around and stomp your foot in frustration, when you see your old friend, the Badly Drawn Kitty! Why is she here? But, oh no... something's different about this kitty. This one has a badly drawn mustache, and two frowning eyebrows! D: IT'S EVIL BADLY DRAWN KITTY!!!!!
[like about 20-30 returns later]
(The lore of this game keeps getting deeper, eh?)
|The Eiffel Tower||10|
|As much as it pains your soul, you dispatch th evil Badly Drawn Kitty and get the hell out of there...
...and toss the MacGuffin at the Spiky Haired Guy. 'Sweet, 2 down, 4 to go' He uses some fancy tools of his to examine the MacGuffin for a while, completely ignoring you. You go inside the house to watch some T.V.
After a few hours of restless boredom you decided to go back and check up on his work. You find the Spiky Haired Guy slumped over the counter, snoozing in a really awkward position. You punch him. ' OW! Whu-wha? Oh shit, guess I had too many shots of vodka mixed with rhino tranquilizers. Right, I did a lot of that... science stuff and the MacGuffin you fetched has pointed to the location of the next one. It's this boring-ass planet called Earth. Ugh. Better you than me, kid.' He sets the position on your portal device and:
You're in a weird, weird place. A huge crowd of people are constantly walking around you speaking in some horrific screeching language you can't comprehend. The readings on your portal device point towards this tall metal structure infront of you, so you just start climbing the side. You make it to the landing where you see some people get off from an elevator.
You head to where your device starts beeping, but find nothing - that's weird. A soft scrunch beneath your feet alerts you to a note, stuck on your boots. The note outlines a plot to smuggle out the MacGuffin into the hands of a 'Mr. X' which you presume is a crappy codename for the traitor you've been seeking. It also mentions the next dead-drop location at a place called Egypt, and signs off simply with '-C.S.' at the end. Curious.
You're about ready to plop a portal to the other side of the planet when the ground shakes violently beneath you! AHHHHHH!! You're thrown off the tower entirely, and fall a good 60 feet to your death. Lucky, your plot immunity kicks in and revives you in time to face off against the now-living Eiffel Tower!
|You feebly attempt to scramble away from the massive tower as it slowly teeters and crashes right on top of you! At the last second you remember your portal device and - *ZWOOP*
The tower collapses where you were just seconds after you manage to escape! Now you're in a really dry and HOT as hell spot. It hasn't even been a minute and you're sweating - fortunately you're about to reach the shade of a 300 foot tall pyramid. Two weird looking guys with bandages all over their bodies are holding a neon sign near the entrance, which says 'This Way to Infinity MacGuffin' How convenient! You thank the fellows as you step inside. One nods his head and grins as you enter, its gauze wrappings flapping behind in the breeze.
It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust, but then you see this hallway quickly reaches a dead end where another sign stands. When you get closer you realize it reads 'Sucker ;)'. OH CRAP! You turn around to head back out the exit but the one guy holding the sign is there, arms outstretched. IT'S A MUMMY! How on earth did these genuises managed to trick you? Be very careful fighting these guys!
|I'm legally obligated to make these stupid puns at this point.|
|Two Bananas in Pyjamas||10||Bananas in Pyjamas|
|After dispatching those bandaged jerks, you decide (against common sense) to head back into the pyramid to check for any clues. Sure enough, you find another scrumpled paper behind the sign at the end. You take it back outside to decipher it, leading you to -
*ZWOOP* -Some low-budget T.V set? You have no idea where you are right now. Its pretty damn colorful, and the walls have some stylish, funky purple wallpaper. Cool! You start looking around for any clues as to who or where this 'C.S' person is, but you're stumped. You're about to give up when two 6-foot tall bananas wearing pyjamas march in from the front door. 'Hey there friend, maybe WE can help you?' they turn to look at each other and giggle. You crack your knuckles and advance on them.
|Giant Raisins from California||10||The California Raisins|
|You loot through their Banana-y corpses and find another note from this mysterious figure. It really feels like you're hot on their trail now!
*ZWOOP* And you land with a thud on your back, directly on the pavement in the scorching hot California sun. You yelp in pain and hop up to your feet immediately - Yowch! You dive into a random alleyway just to escape the brutal heat... and hear a peculiar voice from a nearby dumpster. We heard through the grapevine that you're lookin' for ya next clue?' Four giant shrivelled up raisins are giving you a mischievous grin, one of them flapping a small piece of paper in their weird little hands.
|An Annoying Penguin||10||Pingu|
|You squish the raisins beneath your boots and steal the note from them. Little assholes. With a sigh of relief you realize 'C.S' is heading for the far north of the planet! You'll take freezing cold over scorching hot right about now.
*ZWOOP* You have no idea why this person wants to hop around all over the world but you feel you're just about caught up to them, whatever they're planning. You wander around for a bit until you see a couple of igloos surrounding a hole in the ice. Since its about the only interesting thing around in sight you head on over to investigate. When you get closer you spot a small group of penguins, one of them fishing - how the heck can it do that? It doesn't even have freakin' arms! Plot holes aside you see the one penguin get a tug on the line and it pulls out - a soggy note?! The penguin immediately snatches it up and seems to be contemplating eating it. You rush over and dive for the note but the penguin spots you just in time to pull it away from your grasp, taunting and laughing at you you with an annoying 'HOOT HOOT!' Time to show this penguin who's higher up on the food chain.
|An Army of Annoying Penguins||10|
|You take the note from the penguin and give it another kick for good measure. He runs away NOOT-ing. God dammit. You scan the note... it appears that 'C.S' has finally tracked the MacGuffin and they're heading for it now! Oh shit! You still need to decipher where in the world this location refers to but you've got company. A giant army of penguins are rushing towards you, lead by that annoying little bastard!|
|The Elusive "C.S."||11||Carmen Sandiego|
|You have never been covered in more bird guts in your life, except for that time around boss 44 or 45.
Luckily, this portal seems to clean you off every time you step through it. Once again in your life you have no clue where you are, but it looks like some sort of cave deep underground. You can see pools of magma nearby, cool! Up ahead is a large chamber, where an enormous Easter-Island statue thingy lies, flanked by two spectacular waterfalls of molten lava! You're almost mesmerized by the sight, until you see a small figure climbing up the statue. Gasp! A woman in a red trenchcoat is prying something off the center of its forehead - this has to be the elusive C.S! You rush up ahead to catch her in the act and steal back that MacGuffin!
You portal back to the spiky dude's garage and bounce the MacGuffin at his face before collapsing into the fetal position- that problem was so AWFUL. Though, after a few minutes of sucking your thumb and surpressing all your trauma later, you feel good as new! The Spiky Hair Guy Delivers some more of his top notch exposition, but you're mastered the art of not giving a crap what he says. Instead, you find yourself lost in your own thoughts. Just WHO is this traitor guy? You feel like you knew them so well before...
The phrase 'Chocolate World' floats through your ears and sends you crashing back to reality. 'So as I just said, you get a vacation to *urrp* Chocolate World for this next MacGuffin. Just a warning from me: it's not all chocolate!' The Spiky Haired Guy slaps a portal under your feet.
You skid down a slippery chocolate slope and land face down in a puddle. Chocolate sauce flies up your nose and down your throat - it's a great way to choke to death, all things considered. Coughing ang Gasping, you pull yourself out of the fondue puzzle. You seem to be on the outskirts of some medieval looking village, except for the whole chocolate part. A white chocolate mouse skitters onto the path and notices you, seemingly frozen in fear. You count to 3 seconds and aim a punch as it inevitably rushes you, malice and rage flowing through it's little chocolatey body!
|You wander down the road towards the main street of the village, munching on the mouse's corpse - white chocolate is your favourite! Before long you see a line of buildings. Perhaps someone here can direct you towards the MacGuffin. As you pass by some buildings, you notice the sign on one quaint little shop - Freeman's Curiosities. And inside you see a chest filled with (probable) chocolate coins! You rush through the door and, ignoring the shop's owner, stuff your grubby little hands into the chest's opening. Before you can put your ill gotten gains into your mouth though, the chest puts it's ill gotten gains into ITS mouth - as in, your arms. Sharp chocolate teeth jab into you as the Mimic tries to seperate your arms from the rest of you! AHHHH!|
|You headbutt the Mimic chest until it opens its jaws for a split second in pain - seizing the opportunity you grab a random object in reach and smash the chest about 50 or 60 times, until it becomes a mushy mass of chocolate, gold tin foil and teeth. You collapse to the ground in exhaustion - you have no idea what came over you to care so much about these chocolate coins in an entire UNIVERSE made of the stuff. That's when you realize your hand is suspiciously lacking the heavy stick-thing you used to bludgeon the chest. You look up and see a floating chocolate crowbar rush towards your face!|
|You use a bold maneuver that was passed down through the generations in your family, just in case you were attacked by a possessed chocolate crowbar. You wait for its next strike, latch on to the middle with your teeth, and bite clean through! This breaks the spell or whatever, and the two pieces fall to the floor lifeless. You mutter a quiet thanks to your ancestors for passing down some admittedly situational knowledge. As you pick yourself up off the floor of the shop, you see the owner holding a metal crowbar, and he does not look happy. Your ancestors unfortunately didn't know how to handle a real crowbar!|
|The spectacled store owner gets slammed to the wall, and he almost lets out a grunt of pain. You stand over him and ask Where can I find the Chocolate MacGuffin? His eyes widen in terror at the mention of MacGuffin' and he gets up, grabbing a chocolate map hanging on the wall. It looks like it highlights popular locations for tourists. You ask for specifics but he shakes his head and shrugs. Damn. You consider helping tidy up the shop before leaving but realize you've done enough damage. You take the map and head off.
Your first guess is the Neverending Fountain of Chocolate, which is also the closest. A couple hour hike and you're already basking in the glory that is the Neverending Fountain of Chocolate - An all-natural fondue structure fuelled by a seemingly endless chocolate spring deep beneath the ground. You come to the logical conclusion you must dive in and beat up the Fondue itself to find the MacGuffin. I don't get it either ¯\_()_/¯
|Surprisingly, that did absolutely nothing except destroy a treasured natural feature of this world. You really are an arsehole in this story, you know that? You feel a rumble while you're in the fondue, and a giant Chocolate Slime emerges - like that brown slime's bigger, more pissed off cousin. And they've got a good reason to be pissed since you ruined their home!|
|With both the Fondue and Slime beaten to submission, you can now take a moment to explore the bottom of this chocolate pond. You hold your breath and dive down, feeling around for anything that might be the Chocolate MacGuffin. Your hand grasps onto something like a chain, and you yank hard! Suddenly, you feel suction pulling you even deeper, almost like you're the contents of a toilet. Eventually you're spit out in a dark cavern of chocolate. A small chocolate creature stands in front you with a chocolate torch, looking just about as shocked as you over these recent events. It gets over its surprise quickly however, and attacks!|
|Chocolate Salty Balls||11|
|With the dark chocolate creature defeated, you take its torch and move deeper into the caves. Your instinct tells you this is the right path to take, and when has your instinct gone wrong in the last 14 minutes? A few bends in the path later, and the cave starts to descend at a pretty steep angle. As you start down, you hear the worst noise imaginable in a situation like this - a small click. Behind you, a gigantic, dense, salty chocolate ball thunders down onto the cave path and begins to roll. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!|
|Screaming Chocolate Fish||11||Spongebob Squarepants|
|You reach the end of the tunnel just in time and dive off to the side- you feel the salty chocolate ball graze your foot and it splashes into an underground chocolate lake! You finally take in where you are right now - a massive underground cave with a lake in the middle, so big that you can't even see the ceiling or the other side. There's a odd, slight buzzing noise that fills the air. As you wander around the edge of the lake, the buzzing becomes louder, and more persistant in your ear. It also feels like it's coming from behind you. You turn around, but you see nothing - wait, something at the edge of your vision catches your attention. Something or someone running towards you. You watch as the buzzing continues to get louder, it almost sounds like a battlecry, a single word being torn from this creature's lungs. Closer and closer it gets until finally you realize that it's a giant fish, and understand what it's screaming.
|A Mighty Lump of Poo||12||Conker's Bad Fur Day|
|Screaming in abject fear, you rip the demon fish off the wall, stomp on it, and toss it in the lake. This causes the lake to bubble violently, of course, because I have to chain these silly bosses together somehow. Give me a break. Anyways, in the middle of the lake a giant lumpy creature emerges! It sings in a deep baritone voice about how mighty it is and also how dead you're gonna be in a moment. Crap.|
|Melted Chocolate Blob (?)||12|
|One epic battle involving bits of corn and a comically oversized roll of toilet paper later, and the mighty creature is not so mighty anymore! Its defeat drains the lake as well and you're starting to wonder if the creator of this universe just copy pasted some poorly made code to be lazy :/
You drop down the hole and before long find yourself in an antechamber. You see a chest at the very end, with a very weird chocolate blob creature about to open. You let out a ear-deafening whistler and it looks around, woth a lopsided grin. It looks deformed, yet so familiar and it makes you furious!!! You see black, and rush towards the blob to smash it to bits!
|With one final blow before you render this chocolate blob useless, it pulls out a sheet of paper and flings it in the air. It flutters to the ground, and in its place materializes a hulking Chocolate monstrosity! It pounds its fists together and lunges for you. Looks like the fight's not over yet!|
|Type 2 Diabetes||12|
|The golem crumbles into chocolate dust, and finally, all is silent. Just you and the chest remain. You feel your hands shaking - what is wrong with you? That creature nearly drove you insane with rage You shake it off for now - You have a mission to complete! You walk up to the chest and slowly open it, just in case it's another Mimic.
Spoilers: it's not.
You reach inside and pull out the chocolate MacGuffin, and feel a tremendous surge of power inside you - another step closer to reaching your full fighting potential! However, a cloud of brown chocolate dust rises from the chest as well, and speaks in a booming voice that sends a jolt of memory through you - you were responsible for sealing this being away many years ago! For this is... the spirit of TYPE 2 DIABETES!.
YOU. YOU WHO SEALED ME AWAY HAVE FOOLISHLY RELEASED ME. I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!' You have to reseal it or it will unleash type 2 diabetes onto the whole universe!
|Ultimate Boss 138||12|
|Yeah yeah, I'll give all these bosses a full name and story later. Sue me. This is boss 138. Oh, you also unlocked a new zone in Adventure: Chocolate World. Go kill stuff in it.
(placeholder text. text up to mention of boss number is repeated for all future bosses)
|Ultimate Boss 139||12|
|Ultimate Boss 140||12|
|Ultimate Boss 141||12|
|Ultimate Boss 142||12|
|Ultimate Boss 143||12|
|Ultimate Boss 144||13|
|Ultimate Boss 145||13|
|Ultimate Boss 146||13|
|Ultimate Boss 147||13|
|Ultimate Boss 148||13|
|Ultimate Boss 149||13|
|Ultimate Boss 150||13|
|151||Ultimate Boss 151||13|
|152||Ultimate Boss 152||13|
|153||Ultimate Boss 153||13|
|154||Ultimate Boss 154||14|
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|156||Ultimate Boss 156||14|
|157||Ultimate Boss 157||14|
|158||Ultimate Boss 158||14|
|159||Ultimate Boss 159||14|
|160||Ultimate Boss 160||14|
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|164||Ultimate Boss 164||15|
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|240||Ultimate Boss 240||22|
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